Sabatoge

Meet my saboteurs:  Never Good Enough, Let down, Nobody, and Validator.  Facing your saboteurs is not easy, as I learned in my executive coaching session.  But identifying them is the first step to defining yourself.   Who are those voices in the back of your head working against you at every corner and aspect of your life?  And why are they there?  My coach asked me questions that made me identify those voices, then she made me name them.  This is my attempt to explaining them, facing them, and hopefully showing you that we are bigger than our inner saboteurs.

Never good enough.  This little guy pops up whenever I finish a task or complete an event.  It’s never good enough.  How am I going to do better next time? Some would argue, I would even argue that this little voice is what keeps me going and growing.  It keeps me from getting comfortable, from settling with what is good.  This voice tells me it’s not great, keep trying.  Interesting enough never thinking you are good enough or your work is good enough can get tiresome.  It wasn’t until after this past Heart Ball that I realized how difficult it was for me to accept success and be satisfied.  My event was a huge success but all I could think about is how to improve and do better next year.  It wasn’t until my boss tried to tell me to enjoy the success that I realized that this little voice was sabatoging me.

Let down.  How often I think about how if I don’t finish something or do something I am going to let someone down.  Many times I force myself to do things because I’m afraid of letting others down.  That voice creeps into my head telling me but if you don’t do it, who will?  People are counting on you to do this.  No one else is going to do it, you need to get it done.  That’s a lot of pressure for one person. Especially one person who has so many to let down. 

Nobody.  No one wants to be a nobody.  That’s what I hear from the little voice.  If you don’t do it, you will be a nobody.  If you don’t join this board, or volunteer for this event, or sit on this committee, or go to this event…you will be a nobody.  I’ve been a nobody.  I don’t want to be that person again.  Mr. Saboteur Nobody isn’t afraid to remind me of this daily.

Validator.  Now this one is a little different.  This saboteur isn’t putting me down, keeping me from thinking positively and growing positively…this little voice pushes me to do things that perhaps make me look vengeful, narcissistic, bossy or over-confident.  This guy is the “I told you so” voice…the one that says give them validation as to why you were right or how they were wrong or how your way is the better way. This voice pushes me to prove a point, even when there is no point to be made.

It isn’t an easy process identifying your inner saboteurs.  It’s even harder describing them and then naming them.  But once you’ve done so, you regain the control over those little voices sabatoging you at every moment.  What’s the next step?  Embracing them.  Thanking them for speaking up but letting them know that you “got this.”  I got this.  Sounds easy enough, but it won’t be.  Every single day I will fight these saboteurs.  Every day I will teach myself to enjoy success, even if it’s for a minute.  I will take the time to say “Good job Kim.”  

Letting people down scares me.  I want to be there, be the hero, be the resource, be the friend that people are needing.  What I am slowly learning is that I need to not let myself down first and foremost.  My staying true to myself, my convictions, my passions, and my heart I cannot let anyone down.  Leading by example is the best way to not let someone down.  Owning your actions, having clear expectations and open communication can avoid this saboteur known as Let Down.

Daily I am reminded that I am not a nobody and even if I tried to be I’d have to move far away to accomplish this.  Just today I received a message from someone reaching out for help.  To think that I am a nobody because I said no to doing something or didn’t volunteer for something or chose to stay home rather than attend that event is ridiculous.  

As for as giving up that Validator in me.  Learning to let go of things, to be ok with whatever the outcome and to truly help others lead, I can fight the Validator.  I can tell it that it is ok to be wrong.  It’s ok to worry and want to have it turn out the way I plan but it is good to let others take care of it their way.  I’m working on it.  

I am working on all of it.  I would be lying if I said I’ve conquered them, it’s only been a few days since facing them.  My promise to myself, to keep at it.  To face the voices that tear me down, not focus on them.  I acknowledge they are there but I won’t let them control me.  I will work to be the best version of myself.  Stay tuned…I have more to share from that coaching session, naming my saboteurs is just the first step in defining myself.

Simplicity

I woke up this morning and realized it was morning..like “time to get up for the day” morning.  Not 3 AM morning!!  If you know me or follow me on snapchat, you will know that it isn’t normal for me to make it to 6 am without a 1 am or 3 am wake up…I mean I can’t tell you the last time I have slept completely through the night.  As I was getting ready this morning I kept reflecting on last night.  What did I do differently to actually sleep soundly?  The answer, nothing.  My nightly routine was the typical evening for me.  Physically nothing was different.  But what I did realize was that yesterday ended an era in my life.  I finished my duties on a committee I sat on for the last couple years.  And although it is sad to end that chapter of my life, it is freeing to take back my time and to make a decision based on what I want and what I need versus the fear of letting people down. 

Over the last month I have spent many of hours reflecting on how I am spending my time.  What committees, boards and organizations am I giving my time to? What am I getting out of these commitments? How are they helping me professionally or personally? Why am I doing this?  I spent a lot of time trying to identify my whys for every volunteer commitment I have and determining if I did it for me or is it because someone else asked me to and I didn’t want to let them down.  That is hard.  Figuring out and letting go those things that others have become dependent upon you to do.  But that feeling when you make that decision and let go of the things that don’t align with your passions or your whys, it is relieving.  It is freeing.  And it is validation that you made the right decision.  

What I’ve learned in my years of giving my time and talents back to my community is that passion is important.  When I started I didn’t know what I was passionate about. All I knew was I wanted to belong to my community and give back as much as I could.  I over-extended myself.  I gave 150% of me when I never had that extra 50% to give.  I love and cherish every minute of it but in hindsight I should’ve been more selective.  When you give so much of yourself to everything you will run into this little thing called “burnout” which is a nightmare to get through.  I’ve been there, I’m still there.  I get exhausted thinking about it but I recognize it and am working towards eliminating it.

My advice to you, get involved but make sure when deciding where to dedicate your time that it aligns with what you love to do or what you are passionate about.  Give your time but protect your time.  I’ve spent more nights at home the last couple weeks than I have consecutively in months.  I had forgotten what it is like to binge watch television and man I do love my television.  I’ve also been able to spend more time with friends just to spend time and not because we are volunteering.  It’s nice to hang out and chill and have play dates with no agendas.

Next steps for me as I free up my life…1) Read more. 2) Hang out with my kids. 3) Cook more, entertain more, get back to my passion of cooking! 4) Focus on the few organizations that I will continue to volunteer for and 5) do nothing with my family and friends. 

What doesn’t kill you…

  

Something I’ve tried to do more of this past year are those things that I dislike.  I’ve made a conscious effort of exiting my comfort zone and putting myself out there.  Often times we avoid situations that will make us uncomfortable, we seek that which is familiar to us.  What I learned was that by avoiding things that make me uncomfortable I was not allowing myself to grow personally and professionally.  The comfort zone keeps us from reaching our unlimited potential.  In fact, the comfort zone is the dead zone. 

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that public speaking is not my favorite thing to do.  It is the exact opposite of my comfort zone.  I love being the facilitator, the implementor behind the scenes.  I much rather have someone else take the spotlight and me the face of my work.  Perhaps that is why I love my job.  I put together a very large gala fundraiser.  I spend an entire year putting this event together but the night of, no one knows who I am or that they are there because of my work.  Their attention goes to the emcees, our presenting sponsor and all of our supporters who have added to the event.  I have no podium time nor do I want it.  Here is the problem—I am comfortable with this.  I have no qualms about my duties.  I am not challenged by what I do, not in a way that matters.  Someone recently asked me if I had to speak at my event and my response was “NO!  I wouldn’t have taken this position if there was a speaking requirement.”  What an eye-opening statement.  I wouldn’t have taken this position doing something I love to do if I had to address the guests at the event!?!  How awful of a feeling, to know and recognize that I would succumb to my comfort zone and give up on a passion of mine all because I don’t like to do public speaking. 

I’ve made it a rule now that when I am asked to do a speaking engagement or give a presentation that if my only excuse or reason not to is that I don’t want to, then I have to do it.  I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone.  I’ve done a few different presentations this past year I otherwise wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t held myself accountable to this new rule.  Not every presentation has gone smoothly but the fact that I put myself out there for the criticism is growth for me personally.  I didn’t realize how much I would appreciate the feeling of accomplishment I get after each speaking engagement.  That overwhelming feeling of overcoming my fear is worth all the anxiety leading up to and during the presentation.  And what is cool is about half way through I always find that groove and what once was outside my comfort zone is now comfortable. 

Here is my challenge to you:  Stop thinking and start doing.  Forget what is comfortable and challenge yourself to do something daily that forces you to grow.  If you can’t do one little thing daily, make it a goal to do something at least once a week that you wouldn’t normally do.  Anything!  It doesn’t have to be professionally, it can be personally.  I always thought golf was boring, a waste of time and then I made it a goal to learn to play (and for the dumbest reason too) and when I started playing I discovered how much I love the sport.  Truly, I came out of hibernation to write this blog (blogging another personal challenge of mine) because I think it is important for a person to kill the dead zone.  Get uncomfortable and discover all the possibilities and opportunities you will have once you do.  And I don’t just preach, I practice too. I am pretty sure I just volunteered myself to emcee a large and public event this year (there may have been some peer pressure involved too). Stay tuned on those details!  

And if you ever find yourself looking for an excuse, turn on some Kelly Clarkson and sing along “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

A little attitude goes a long way

 The last thing I said to my first grader this morning when I dropped him off at school was “You need to adjust your attitude or you will never get better.”  Sounds like harsh words to say to a 7 year old as he heads into class but sometimes harsh words are what they need to hear to help them build their self-esteem.  We were discussing baseball, little league ball to be exact.  We were discussing our upcoming game which was this evening and my son made a comment about how he is horrible and can’t hit the ball.  He said to me “I can’t play good.  The bat is too small so I can’t hit the ball.”  His comment led me to correct him about how the bat was not the source of his problems and that it is all in his head.  He didn’t understand what I meant and proceeded to find other excuses as to why he wasn’t playing good.  Again I told him that his problems weren’t with the equipment but rather his attitude.  “If you don’t think you are good at it, you won’t be good at it.”  Of course whining ensued (always does) and he started to argue with me.  And of course as the mom, I shut that down quick!  I said “Kalven, do you love to play baseball?”  His immediate response was yes which set me up for the ah-ha moment, “Then that is all you need to be good at it.”

Reflecting back to this morning’s conversation after he played a great game tonight gave me inspiration to share something that I find to be important day-in day-out: ATTITUDE.  Attitude is defined as (or at least according to Google) a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.  Your attitude when you wake up will set the tone of your day.  Wake up in a bad mood, be prepared for a bad day.  It is amazing what can go wrong, what you perceive as bad when your attitude is poor.  But if you wake up in a great mood, the universe is on your side.  The trick is to wake up with a positive attitude every day!  It is not easy and many mornings you will wake up cranky and not ready for the day to begin.  I know this because it happens to me…a lot…(maybe because I am not a morning person). Your attitude going into an important meeting or an interview will determine whether or not you get that big win or the job.  It is amazing how you can leave an interview and know right away if you made it to the next round.  I’ve had few of those horrible interviews and knew immediately it was my attitude going into the meeting that dictated how I did.

If you ever stop to think about why certain people are so good at sales, it will always come back to their attitude.  They are confident; they love what they are doing; and they exude positivity. The little things may get to them but they don’t let it get to you.  I truly believe that being positive is what will get you where you want to be.  People will argue that you can only take so much before you give up or give in but my rebuttal is if that is your attitude you have just proven my point.  We all go through hard times, ups and downs, but if you are able to access your experiences and use them to make you a better person then things will get better and at the right time.  ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING and how  you use it will determine where you will go.

“Mama said knock you out”

 
2015 has been a year of goals for me.  While everyone was writing their list of resolutions I sat down and created a list of things I wanted to accomplish this year.  What I’ve learned since January is that as I check one thing off this list another is added.  This list has grown from personal goals that I want to achieve to professional challenges I want to overcome.  But what I find even more exciting is the idea that the list is always changing-it is a working list.  So what have I accomplished thus far?  Well…I work out twice a week with a personal trainer; I’ve purchased a set of golf clubs and am actively learning to golf; I stepped outside of my box and successfully wrote a guest blog for my dear friend Danny Beyer’s website (and now starting my own blog); and just this past weekend I emcee’d the Ankeny Little League’s Opening Day Ceremonies.  It is this last goal that I want to write about today.  

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I do not speak to large groups.  My biggest fear is public speaking-glossophobia.  They probably will also tell you that I am so good at it that they can’t understand why I don’t enjoy doing it.  I can tell you that I do not enjoy that nervous feeling I get in the pit of my stomach.  I dislike how clamy my hands get leading up and during the speaking event.  I most definitely hate how I inevitably find a way to stutter, mispronounce and forget what I am talking about when in front of large groups.  So why did I volunteer to emcee the event?  Why put myself out there and expose myself to that feeling that I dread?  Because facing your fears is how you grow as a person.  Because if you are not uncomfortable than you are stagnant.  Yes I screwed some words up; my hands were clamy; and I had that nervous pit in my stomach the whole time but I survived.  I set an example for my children.  I also gave myself an opportunity to face my fear!  I have other opportunities and will continue to have opportunities that involve speaking to large groups and I am sure it will instill those horrible feelings each time but the fact that I will continue to force myself into these situations gives me the confidence that I need to continue to grow as a person professionally and personally.  Plus the fact that I am still alive is proof enough that it is all in my head.  

My advice-push yourself to your limits and then push yourself some more. Put yourself out there!  Shout “Hello! Look at me!!”  Find ways to expand your skillset, seek out individuals that can give you opportunities to grow and then take those opportunities and own them!  I may not be the best public speaker but that isn’t what matters; what matters is that I can do it and did do it when the opportunity was presented.  Don’t let your fear win; stand up and face it!